I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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