how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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