Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
