im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
