I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Two words: blizzard sex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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