omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
