I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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