i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
