I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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