Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
