Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
