1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
