I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
