she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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