then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
