I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
