Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
