I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
