I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
