Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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