There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
