: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i think my cat just said my name.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
