Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
