My hair reeks of homosexuality.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
