I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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