I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
