I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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