There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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