I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
