I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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