hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
