if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize