i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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