I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
