So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my phone needs a breathalizer
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
