what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
