i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
