Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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