Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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