I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
