i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
