and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
