so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
