A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
