That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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