Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Houston, we have a blender
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
