I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
