one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
