I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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