And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
