end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
