i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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