that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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