hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
