So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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