I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
