I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize