dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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