1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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