i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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